Eddie Izzard

I might have excelled myself with the tangential nature of this post – in that there is no direct reference to hedgehogs – BUT …

Yesterday I was sat in my shed trying to concentrate on beavers (the new book is getting closer to completion, and the chapter on beavers is rather fun … I was impressed that they do the things in real life that they do in cartoons … in fact I will deviate even further from my plan to bring you an illustration:

They chop down trees, they make dams – all in all, they are wonderful. I was with Paul Ramsay who has introduced them to his estate in Perthshire and the night I had out watching them – I saw eight – was as exhilarating as any I have had in East Africa … I have become distracted, again)

So I was trying to concentrate on writing about them when my wife Zoe asked if I would like to meet Eddie Izzard … of course I said, not knowing that there was to be hard work involved.

He was on a tour of the UK – drumming up support for the YES campaign in the AV referendum. His plan was to cycle around the streets of Oxford offering his words of wisdom as to why we should be voting for a change … and my job was to cycle our tandem and allow Zoe to film him as we went. I will drop in a link to the film in a moment, but here is the vague hedgehog-link … as we were cycling along I asked whether he could weave the subject of hedgehogs into his spontaneous and divertingly surreal monologue … and I think I made this man of grand and improbable connections pause – and he had to admit that I had flummoxed him. Which is a great shame, as I think he would have been able to do it quite well …. as it is, he did manage to liken the Tories to the Dementors from Harry Potter – might not be a hedgehog joke, but was well-made all the same. And here is the resulting film:

http://vimeo.com/23226768

I hope you enjoy it – I will be back with some hedgehogs soon … as long as I can clear this backlog of beavers … must keep beavering along … chop chop now … damn this is nearly funny!

Inappropriate

I was sent an email by a BHPS member (thanks Mike) wondering whether I had seen the car tyre advert that features a hedgehog … strangely it had passed me by, so I went looking for it – and found that the exceptionally inappropriate pairing of hedgehogs and cars is something that has gone on for a while.

My quest was for this one from Continental; but before I found it I had stumbled upon this one for GoodYear. So I wondered what else was out there – and quickly found Mercedes had been at it too. Frustratingly, there is an advert I have seen featuring a hedgehogs hitching a lift in a car, but I cannot find it now …. I think it was from South Africa …

But what gets me all hot and bothered is the fact that, while there is obviously a joke to be had at the expense of the hedgehog/car relationship, it is also a really serious problem – even more than the pain and suffering – the way that the roads and our cars fragment the landscape is at the heart of the massive decline in hedgehog numbers being seen around the UK.

On a lighter note, as I was looking for car adverts, I found a whole bunch more … I had no idea quite how far the hedgehog had gone in its quest to sell us things we probably don’t need. The have been used to try and sell sponges (this video has almost adult content, you have been warned); I have written before about shoes and banks; unsurprisingly, they have been used to sell hedgehogs; Cadburys originally used a hedgehog as opposed to a gorilla, think that the hedgehog was better; BT Broadband … they might use hedgehogs, but I prefer the PhoneCoop. There are so many, will stop there. But please, pass on to me any more that you find. I might have to start a campaign featuring the hedgehog as the nemesis for mindless consumerism … and another one to try and get the European hedgehog featured a little more often!

And just to conclude – where would we be without the wonderful road safety adverts … and where would we be without the evil sick minds who made this! (I know this will offend some people … but I think it actually makes the point a bit better than the cutesy story line of the unmolested version).

Quite Interesting

One of my favourite things on television is QI. Funny, articulate, intelligent and frequently delightfully rude. And I even have a claim to fame … a couple of years back there was a thought of doing a sort of QI-lite that would include members of the public in a quiz with similar lines of questioning, but fewer jokes, and Rufus Hound (I put the link in as I did not know who he was). There was a pilot and I was recruited as an expert who had to present facts about hedgehogs to the contestants, though for the life of me I cannot remember why – whether they were guessing which was false – or I was asking questions. All a bit of a blur. I do remember that I had a little dressing room all to myself – and it had a bed in it, on which I slept. I also remember that they gave me a small brown envelope with cash in it to cover my ‘expenses’.

And that was it, I have heard nothing more of the idea, which is a shame as I reckon I could make a go of the Alan Davies part (if you have not watched it, it is worth a detour. He makes me laugh, a lot).

So why here? Where is the hedgehog link to which I am obliged to massage all ideas into?

The latest QI Annual arrived on the desk of the BHPS as it features a two page spread all about hedgehogs. Yippeeee. It even mentions my mentor, Dr Pat Morris. In fact, here are the pages for you, to give you a taster before you rush out to buy it:

And I am delighted, very delighted, that our dearly beloved hedgehog should receive such attention. BUT – and you will notice that that is a big but – I could not help but notice a certain similarity between the combinations of words used in their publication and a certain book about hedgehogs to which many of you will be familiar (and if you are not, now is your time to follow this unsubtle link to Amazon to remedy the situation forthwith).

So what to do? I am going to drop them a polite line, but what should I ask for in compensation for this insult? I was thinking of a dinner date with Mr Stephen Fry … perhaps with a trip to the opera thrown in, all at the expense of the programme. That would make for a Quite Interesting night out.

——————————————————————————————————-

Following on from this I got a lovely response from John Lloyd – creator of QI, and producer of such icons of tv-land as Not the Nine O’Clock News, Spitting Image and Blackadder …

Hello Hugh,

You were right!

Here’s the response from our researcher, Mat Coward.

Yet another of your fans!

Jx

******
It reads:

Hello, Dame Sir Lloyd of the Empire!
Yes indeed, his book was one of my main sources for hedgehogs. A wonderful book – one of the best wildlife books I’ve read in years. In fact, I ended up buying two copies.
all best
Mat

———————————————————————————————-

But still no Fry-up … should I press for more?

site stats review and strangeness

The helpful folk at WordPress – who host this blog – have sent me a summary of the stats for last year. And for a beginner in this world, I am quite pleased … they appear below. But before I get there I want to reveal something that the stats-keepers have also been collecting. And that is the search terms that people put into Google et al – and then end up arriving at my site. I would be interested to know which you think are the most unlikely – and also the most impressive … here are some of my favourites (editorials in brackets):

  1. contrary between swallow and sparrow in ancient egypt (I am just copying what is there … if you can understand how this got to me, please share)
  2. where do hedgehogs originate
  3. the cute storybook with hedgehogs in the bottom of each page
  4. punk beijing china hedgehog
  5. gothic hedgehog tattoos
  6. natural looking dog paw prints tattoo with shading (dogs???)
  7. hedgehogs chewing on leather
  8. dead sparrow
  9. new book about opera (well that one should be obvious …)
  10. unsocialised lemur (how did this end up with me???)
  11. stephen fry (this was the second most popular search – and I am guessing there are some disappointed people out there … )
  12. osborne thieving bastard
  13. ben fogle tattoo (I am not sure if this was someone looking for a tattoo of Ben, of just to see if he had a tattoo … it had better be a hedgehog if he does! And how did it get used 23 times?)
  14. hedgehog jokes (nearly twice as many people searched for this as they did for hedgehog hugh … there might be a message in that)
  15. hedgehog taxidermy ebay (I guess that one is not too hard to explain – but interesting that I am not alone)
  16. slug slime feet
  17. hedgehog marijuana (have I even mentioned marijuana? And what is hedgehog marijuana anyway … I would be happy to experiment)
  18. parasitology jokes
  19. fat eating capitalist cats
  20. flagelist (help me on this please …)
  21. hedgehog hugh!! (I love that someone has searched for me with exclamation marks!)
  22. prodded poppies
  23. scared of 5 rhythms
  24. greenpeace hedgehogs
  25. how much is a hedgehog worth (they are priceless … and that is enough of this … here follow the year in stats)

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 9,800 times in 2010. That’s about 24 full 747s.

 

In 2010, there were 45 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 64 posts. There were 41 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 93mb. That’s about 3 pictures per month.

The busiest day of the year was April 12th with 314 views. The most popular post that day was countryfile and empathy.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were britishhedgehogs.org.uk, urchin.info, care2.com, facebook.com, and hedgehoghelp.co.uk.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for hedgehog jokes, stephen fry, hedgehog feet, hedgehog hugh, and hedgehog tattoos.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

countryfile and empathy April 2010
2 comments

2

How much is a hedgehog worth? February 2010
8 comments

3

Stuff about me … November 2008
5 comments

4

hedgehog feet April 2010
5 comments

5

Why the exotic pet trade is wrong and undercover investigations are so important January 2010
5 comments

Opera and a new book

I had promised a posting about opera – but first the news … for those of you who enjoyed A Prickly Affair (or The Hedgehogs Dilemma as it is in the USA) and would like to hear more from me, 2012 promises to be a good year; as long as the planet still exists … I am not so sure about this Mayan prophecy … so their calendar ran out in 2012 … perhaps this is more to do with running out of paper and ink?

And if there was to be an ‘end of times’, I am sure that there would have been some mutterings in the hedgerows. You don’t get much more planetary-connected than a hedgehog, and I have heard not a whisper … and I would be horrified to think that they would keep something of this scale from me. Though what I am to do about it, I do not know.

Perhaps follow the hordes to Bugarach in southwest France? According to the Telegraph (and many others) this has been identified as the one place on earth that will survive the apocalypse thanks to it being the parking place for the extraterrestrials who are using a cavity beneath the mountain as a saucer-park. Strange to think that Bugarach actually translates as ‘stupid-buggers’ in Alpha Centuarian … maybe there is something in it all …

But, the good news is that even if the world does end on the 21st December 2012, there will have been time for BOTH my new books to emerge into the world. And I will be saved the agonising over sales figures – so bring it on …

Both … you noticed? I am in the middle of the second – Beauty in the Beast – and loving the process of writing (if a little daunted by the May deadline … diminution of blog output will be caused by this I fear). I have been forced to meet some fascinating people and get them to try and seduce me (away from hedgehogs, you understand) – the serious narrative though is the quest for a tattoo on my right leg … what species? I have found a pretty good contender …

Back to the ‘both’… I have been asked to write the Hedgehog contribution to Reaktion Books Animal series. The series is amazingly varied – Bees, Camals, Cockroaches, Ducks … Tigers, Tortoise and Whales. It is not so much a natural history of each species or group of species, but an un-natural history with diversions into the iconography and lexicography, literature and poetry.

I have to get that finished by the beginning of November 2011 … so no pressure then.

And here is a taster … operas featuring a hedgehog? How many can you think of? I was lucky enough to meet the composer Peter Ash over dinner who told me about his friend Donald Sturrock had written the libretto for Tobias Picker’s opera, Fantastic Mr Fox. Peter started to wax lyrical over the closing aria by Miss Hedgehog – he even broke into song.

But then the bombshell … oh, here are the words, see if you can spot the slight problem with this beautiful romance:

“MISS HEDGEHOG Is this the one…

PORCUPINE ..that I’ve waited for?

MISS HEDGEHOG I feel a tingling…

PORCUPINE ..I never felt before.

MISS HEDGEHOG Could it be him?

PORCUPINE Could it be her?

MISS HEDGEHOG I feel excited.

PORCUPINE I feel insecure.

MISS HEDGEHOG He’s spiny handsome!

PORCUPINE She’s prickly bliss!

MISS HEDGEHOG His eyes are sparkling.

PORCUPINE She’s too good to miss.

MISS HEDGEHOG Can it be true?

PORCUPINE Things are moving fast.

MISS HEDGEHOG Is it me and you?

PORCUPINE This is love at last.

TOGETHER Hand in hand, foot in foot, over leaf, over stone We will wander together, sleep never alone – Though our quills may go grey and our prickles fall out, We will grow old together, always snout to snout!”

As we all know (and Donald now knows) hedgehogs are insectivores, porcupines are rodents … and they are very very unlikely to become romantically involved.

I hope that one day they will put the opera back on – in the meantime, here are some photos from the production – featuring designs by Gerald Scarfe.

Ben Fogle

I think it is important for everyone to have a Nemesis – or at least someone at whom one can rant and moan and blame for anything and everything. For me that person has been Ben Fogle.

Which is a bit like saying that you don’t believe in fairies, or that puppies are hideous. The revelation is often met with gasps and a hand going to the mouth in horror.

Why? Isn’t it obvious? No one can be that nice. There must be some evil alternate existence in which he dissects fairies and plays football with puppies. Oh, and then there is the simple matter of the green-eyed god of jealousy. I want as many people to read my books as read his, I want to be on TV as much as he is (well, maybe not as much, but a little bit more than the near nothing I have now).

But most of all, I want to elicit the same response he does from every woman involved in the British Hedgehog Preservation Society, my wife and countless others.

When he accepted our kind invitation to him to become a patron of the society there was swooning. I have already written about the delight when he signed some envelopes for us and how the announcement of his raising money for the charity by going off on a jog was met with awed silence (even though I raised more through the agonising acquisition of a hedgehog tattoo).

And now? What am I supposed to do? One of his adoring fans at the BHPS has passed on to me an article he wrote in The Times. “A Prickly Affair by Hugh Warwick is a wonderful story…” “The book is funny and moving…” “Read it and you will see hedgehogs in a whole new light.”

Is this deliberate torture? Do you think he knows what he is doing? Destroying my mental punch bag? Damn and blast is all I can say (because I have not the verbal dexterity of Mr Fry).

So, who next? Who else can I moan about now I have to accept Ben Fogle might actually be a force for good?

ps – couldn’t find a picture of him with a hedgehog … so stole the one of him and a cheetah from his website … when I went to Namibia and stroked a cheetah there was no-one there to record it … he is at it again….

Shorts

Unsurprisingly, I find that I am at the receiving end of a great deal of hedgehog-related strangeness. But not all of it warrants a posting, or, as is happening at the moment, it is arriving while I am in the middle of something that is making my brain hurt … like now. I am writing about the house sparrow – a fantastic bird being advocated by an amazing gentleman. But there is just so much information that I need to squeeze into so little space and the bit that is making my head hurt is trying to make the links work … so a little deviation is called for to lighten things up for me.

In no particular order, here are some hedgehoggy things we should all care about:

1. Actually, this is not to lighten things up but to say ‘told you so’ … someone has been found trying to sell a European hedgehog in Kent – the actual ad has been taken down and they have been reported to the police and the RSPCA, but an archive of the ad is here. I am often asked why I am concerned about the push to sell pet African Pygmy Hedgehogs in Britain, and this is one of the main reasons. Either unscrupulous or mind-boggling stupid people will try and sell on our own wild animals. If you want a real hedgehog thrill, then try and get to see a wild one, where it belongs, in the wild.

2. There is a lot about the latest crop of pop stars that has passed me by, but I have now heard of Lady Gaga. Apparently this most eccentric of individuals has a commendable fondness for hedgehogs. Well, that is what I thought when I first read the headline, but it turns out that, and as this is something I read on the web, it is quite possibly no more reliable than a posh-boy Lib Dem promise, Lady Gaga had a rider for her concerts demanding two baby hedgehogs to be present back stage in her changing room. And I thought I was a bit over the top asking for a cake.

3. I was giving a talk to the Kent Mammal Group and was given the most amazing story – a woman told me how she had recently failed her driving test because she had stopped for a hedgehog in the road. Apparently you should not stop for anything smaller than a cat. So would that make it okay to run over a chihuahua?

4. Hedgehog carers all over the country are having to feed an enormous number of animals this winter – so if you find yourself unable to get away over Christmas, or your guests don’t arrive … why not donate some of what you would have spent to the sanctuaries? The British Hedgehog Preservation Society has a list of just a few in each county on their website. These are not necessarily going to be the closest, but you can ask them if there are any nearer you.

5. And finally – something to gladden your hearts and excite you into a late Christmas purchase … the wonderful woman who made our wedding rings many years ago has just made some hedgehog earrings. When she told me I was nervous as she is a friend and many of these sorts of things are dire … but they are wonderful. Her name is Bridget Wheatley and her shop is also online.

The little hedgehog is fantastic – she has only just designed it and made a few. If you are interested, get in touch with her (through the website) and ask for a hedgehog or two for your loved one’s lobes!

Thieving politicians …

Sometimes I marvel at the ability of the hedgehog to take me into previously uncharted realms, such as, in this case, the larcenous behaviour of Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne.

Now you might imagine that this is going to be a searing critique of the brilliant way in which the very very rich have managed to persuade us that the only way to pay back the debts of the very very rich is to take lots of money away from the very poor. Turkeys and Christmas spring to mind … I am sure that as soon as people wake up to what is going on that we will see plenty more activity on the street.

Waking up is crucial – we are fed such a mass of inanity, we are taught to desire what we have not got and despise what we have. We are presented with the burblings of those to whom we are supposed to aspire – minor celebrities etc – in such a way that the thoughts of a person who slept with a footballer will get more attention in the press and sell more books than a serious, beautifully written and important book looking at the reasons for environmental collapse (and that is not a plug for A Prickly Affair, this is – the perfect present for Christmas).

Wake up to the fact that we are being presented with bread and circuses – MacDonalds and the royal wedding; KFC and the X-Factor – this is like some cheap sci-fi film, the population of a future world subdued with stupour-inducing food and distraction – allowing the overlords to writhe around in an orgy of wealth and comfort gifted to them by the poor.

Sorry – back to the point. Comedy website Chortle has found that our lavishly comfortable Chancellor is not content with stripping the arts, wildlife or the environment of their funding to line the pockets of his friends, he is also happy to steal the work of others and claim it as his own!

The widely revered comic Dan Antopolski won the award for the best joke of the Edinburgh Fringe in 2009, by the Dave TV channel. I was on the radio with him – he is almost a mate (though I think he drifted off when I started to explain how his joke contained within it some serious ecological truths … ). And the joke?

Hedgehogs, why can’t they share the hedge?

It is good. I use it (and credit Dan every time) in my talks to the Women’s Institute. George Osborne used it as his contribution to The Laughing Soldier: The British Army Joke Book – and claimed it as his own (or at least did not acknowledge Dan).

So that should be enough to tip the masses onto the streets, I reckon. Never mind the homeless, jobless, artless wasteland the ConDems are busy creating – just look at the sort of person who is running the show … a joke thief. You don’t get lower than that!

Sonic Attack

I have avoided Sonic the Hedgehog for as long as possible – mainly because I have never played the game and have absolutely no idea what the excitement is all about. That is probably more of an indictment of my age rather than the game – though I would still love someone to explain the draw.

But now I am forced to write about Sonic and the Sega empire that spawned him (is Sonic male?) because they have managed to get a splash in the Daily Mail today. Which I only know thanks to the wonders of Google alerts.

The story?

“Dramatic decline of one of the nation’s favourite creatures: 300,000 fewer hedgehogs in Britain than a decade ago”

And it goes on to say some very important things about the decline in hedgehog numbers, how the data is gathered – through the rather unpalatable mechanism of counting road kill – and brings in ideas of intensive farming being one of the key problems for rural hedgehogs. All good stuff.

So why am I grumpy?

Well that is the story really. It is a story of how the PR industry ‘use and abuse’ on behalf of their clients. It is a story riddled with self-indulgent moaning about the hard lot of a freelance writer who keeps getting drawn into doing the work for people who are being paid each and every month – even when they make such absurd mistakes as has been done in this instance. But mostly it is a story that asks the big question … what numpty put those hedgehogs in the picture?

Back in September I got a message from Sega’s PR company, Mischief PR. They wanted help in the run up to the launch of their new game and they wrote to all sorts of hedgehog related groups around the country. A few were passed on to me – and more than once, promises were made, e.g. “We would make a donation to the UIST Hedgehog Rescue for your involvement and would also be mentioning the charity in our press materials, so aiming to raise awareness of the work you guys do! It is designed to be a fun event, but also ones that highlights the serious nature of your charity.”

There were looking for the most dangerous road crossing in the UK for hedgehogs, they wanted quotes on the numbers of hedgehogs killed on the roads and they wanted a supply of hedgehogs to pose for a photo-shoot.

Given that this was done with the promise of publicity and money for the BHPS – of whom I am a trustee – I decided to invest quite some time and managed to find them a suitable place, some hedgehogs and plenty of facts about the state of hedgehogs.

I asked if I could come to the photo shoot – as by now they were hoping to do some sort of Abbey Road mock up … and I though it would be quite fun to see, and also be something I could use in my talks. I find the whole iconography of the hedgehog fascinating. I even had a positive response from Radio 4’s Saving Species programme who were interested in using this to spark a discussion on the true impact of roads on wildlife. This is important because dead hedgehogs, and dead anything else for that matter, is far from the full story. Roads, especially busy roads, act as real, physical barriers to many species. They have a far greater impact on the environment than simply dead beasts.

They agreed and said they would let me know when it was all happening … and I decided, having dealt with PR companies before, not to hold my breath. And a good job too! As the event all took place with not one jot of communication with me, despite promises to the contrary. Even my phone calls were ignored.

And if they had invited me along? Well, then they would not have made the mistake, which has made them look utterly ridiculous. Somehow they have ended up with an African Pygmy Hedgehog in the shot. Have a look at the picture, the hedgehog on the left looks a little different – smaller, whiter spines. That is not a native hedgehog. If Sega want to go helping Atelerix frontalis and Ateleric albiventris, I would suggest they start investing in conservation projects in Africa, not encourage people to take them in as pets.

I have written quite a bit about these before now. These are pet hedgehogs. The craze for keeping them as pets was big and brief in the USA – as is always the case with fad pets. And there are people who would like to see the same thing happen here. Now I have spent plenty of time with these pet hedgehogs and can see why some people, especially those unable to do much in the way of moving themselves, might find them agreeable. They are cute and they can be tamed into cuddliness.

BUT – we have our own wild hedgehogs here, and if the craze does kick off, it is inevitable that unscrupulous dealers will start trying to palm off our wild hedgehogs as pets, and when boredom sets in, as it will do, and people want to get rid of their pets, they will either just release them into the wild – where they will die – or hand them on to a hedgehog rescue centre, that will be poorly equipped to deal with – and unable to re-release the animal.

So, Sega, and your PR machine, it is time to correct the picture and to pay up – there are a number of hedgehog carers who have spent considerable amounts of time and energy, only to feel ignored, and there groups like the BHPS as well – who would all benefit from a fraction of your great wealth. More importantly, there are thousands of hedgehogs out there who would benefit from some scrapings from the Sonic table – oh, and don’t forget the unpaid writers!

Lets see Sega make good on its promises, or lets start a call to boycott Sonic.

And just as a final note – who thought that sticking boots, ‘Sonic’ boots, onto a young hedgehog was going to make it happy? Poor thing looks utterly miserable.